Hormonal down slide

I have been meaning to write an update for this blog for some time now, but it always seems to be put on the back burner. 

It is time to let the flood gates open, and hopefully get me emotionally back on track.  This post is probably going to be all over the place, but well, that is just how I feel.  So here goes....

Since my last round of Prometrium I have not been right.  And every day seems to get worse, not better.  I have called my OB and he told me to stop taking the Prometrium and he has sent me on to a fertility specialist.  My appointment is set for January 19th.  I am ready to get "serious" about getting pregnant, but then at times feel like we should just give up. 

After my Incredible Hulk two weeks, I was emotionally done.  It literally tore me apart and beat me down.  I have been withdrawn, not wanting to interact with others or the girls, and just well, depressed.  I haven't been calling my friends.  I haven't been wanting to play with the girls.  I just can't muster the energy to fully engage. Then I start to feel guilty for being such a crappy mom, wife, and friend, but doing something about it feels impossible. 

Wade called me out on it this past weekend, and it was a God send. Thank you my love for caring so much about me and being so supportive.  Without you in my life, I would be lost.

I knew it was happening, yet I wasn't willing to admit it or deal with it.  I just kept making excuses and pressing forward, all the while getting more and more withdrawn.

I honestly think it is hormones, or lack there of, but maybe a bit of depression too.  It is hard to try for something for 11 months, knowing the only reason it isn't happening is your body and its inability to ovulate.  And yet, I know I am so blessed because I do have two beautiful, healthy baby girls.  I have two friends who have been trying for years with no luck.  I am sure their anguish is a million times deeper than mine. 

But I still want more.  I have always wanted a lot of kids (five to be exact), and sure I will be happy with the two God has blessed me with, but it will take some time to emotionally process if that is the case.

And it seems the past few weeks there has been an influx of people I know getting pregnant.  I must have had 10 friends on Facebook update their status to say they are expecting.  While I am happy for them, I feel that my reaction is starting to be jealousy first, happiness second.  And I HATE that.  I feel like a spoiled brat when the jealous thoughts pops in my head. 

Oh, and the "When are you going to go for that boy?" question KILLS me!  Someone asked me that this past weekend and I wanted to scream, cry and throw a Charlotte-sized tantrum.  I will never, EVER ask someone that question again.  When you have only been trying a few months, not so painful.  When you have been trying for a long time, it is like knives digging into your heart.  I don't care if it is a boy.  I just want a baby damn it!

I must admit, it does feel good to get this all off my chest and "out there".  I hope that this one day will help my girls in their emotional struggles.  So they know that everyone, even their mother, has hard times and struggles emotionally.  It is okay to admit that you don't have it all together and you feel defeated. 

I know things will get better, baby or no baby.  I have the most amazing husband in the world and three perfect daughters (yes, I do count Maggie as one of my daughters). 

I will get through this hormonal down slide and be stronger for it.