Lesson learned

My precious child,

I have been struggling with this path that God has me on for quite some time.

It has always been my dream to have four or five kids. I don't really know where I got that number from, but as long as I can remember, that is how many I wanted to mother.

When Charlotte was born early, I chalked it up to bad luck. But when Frances threatened at 27 weeks, I took notice. I searched the Internet for information on preemies to find what I could have done differently. I was taking the recommend shots, I was trying bed rest, and had bi-weekly check-ups. The only thing we were missing it seemed was time.

Frances was conceived when Charlotte was just over 12 months old. I had only finished nursing Charlotte two months before that.

According to a study I found, the chance of another premature birth reduces the longer you wait between pregnancies. Eighteen months is good, 24 is better.

Patience has never been my strong suite.

With you I feel God is really trying to teach me a lesson on patience. I would have to be dumb not to see it, but yesterday I finally accepted His plan.

For you we have waited for my body to restore itself. For us to move. For Wade to start his new job. For our health insurance to kick in. For everything we thought made the "ideal situation."

But now I see all of those were just things that God has used to string me along to get to yesterday. A day that made me a better Mama. That made me love your sisters even more, though I am not sure how that is possible.

I got to spend the afternoon tailgating with Charlotte at Tiger Stadium. We saw Mike the Tiger and I saw her face light up brighter than Christmas morning. I got to listen to her chat away about the Golden Band from Tiger Land. I got to see her hug Mike the mascot and see the reaction on her face when a cheerleader waved to her. You would have thought that cheerleader was the President. I got to experience my baby girl turned big girl over night, not wanting to leave Tiger Stadium because she just knew the fun wasn't over yet. And she was right!

I got to see her tell Tutu and Pozz, then her Daddy all about her big night. Her expressions while on the phone blew me away. She was actually interacting on the phone. They asked questions and she answered, in detail, with full on hand gestures....no prodding from me. It was a moment I wish I could record in my mind forever, for at that moment she grew up. I saw it happen and I will cherish that moment forever.

I got to (thanks to my sister letting Charlotte spend the night in her hotel room) end my day snuggling with Frances. Her tiny, yet getting so big, body snuggled deep into my chest. Every now and then she would give me a squeeze and a kiss. We spent a good five minutes just snuggling and it was then that I realized, it was all leading to this. This day needed to happen. I needed it to remember how blessed my life is.

And while I still pray that you will come soon, I now know God has a plan. And even if you never come to be, I am certain your sisters will fill my heart with so much love that I might wonder how a third could add any more.....

Much love and still praying hard for you,
Mama