Trying to make lemonaid

My precious child,

I am heartbroken and so frustrated with my body. On my last post I said that I was pretty certain you weren't in my belly this month. I got a zit on my chin and usually that means three days later, my period would come. Three days came and went and nothing.

Well, not nothing. I started to get really tired and cranky. Each morning I would wake up nauseated as if I drank too much, though I had nothing the night before. And I got my hopes up. Four days late!? Maybe, just maybe you were finally in there.

But this morning around 4:00 am I woke up with cramps. By 8:00 I got my sign that it was not meant to be. I am trying to keep my spirits up, but it is hard. I really, really thought it was finally happening. So, to cheer myself up, here is my list of why this is a good thing:

1. Our health insurance doesn't start until September 1st. My pregnancies are not cheap, so this is a very good thing I don't have a "pre-existing condition"
2. I see my new OB September 14th. He hopefully will give us some fertility help and maybe, just maybe there will be two of you! I will have my four kids with only one more pregnancy.
3. One more month to drink wine. And after this weekend, it seems your oldest sister is hell bent on driving me to drink with her tantrums.

I will keep telling myself this list until I believe it. Until then, I will dream of one day getting to say, "I'm pregnant!"

Much love,
Mama