Roller coaster

Day 47, Monday morning:  Woke up to extremely painful cramps to find that my cycle had started.  Finally!  I was beginning to get my hopes up that I was pregnant.   I called my doctor to make my appointment for blood work on cycle day 2 (today).

I had my blood drawn this morning and waited to hear the game plan from my doctor.  Nothing could prepare me for the results.

On cycle day 2 (3 or 4), normal FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels should be less than 10.  When I was trying to get pregnant with Charlotte, my levels were at 0.3 - i.e. not even on the charts.  It was a "simple" fix with the doctor prescribing me hormone replacements, which increased my FSH enough to produce healthy eggs.  After one cycle, we had our beautiful Charlotte. 

My FSH level today was at 16.  Dr. S was shocked my levels were so high especially since I am so "young."  According to Dr. S, when your FSH levels are high it means your ovaries are shutting down.  My heart broke as he said those words. 

I found Dr. Malpani's website and it had a great article explaining what is happening to my body.  "This is also known as poor ovarian function, poor ovarian reserve, occult ovarian failure, or the oopause. It’s well known that pregnancy rates in IVF are directly dependent upon the quality and number of embryos transferred, and the more the eggs a woman grows, the better the embryos we can select from. This is why women with a good ovarian response have much higher pregnancy rates than women with a poor ovarian response. "

Dr. S did not sound very hopeful for our chances at a third child, but is willing to proceed if that is what we wish. 

I have run the gambit of emotions since that phone call. 

First unbreakable (while still on the phone with Dr. S).  Will the "poor eggs" increase the chance for birth defects?  No, just more likely that they won't fertilize or, if they do, will result in miscarriage.  Okay, I can handle miscarriages, is there no chance at all at getting pregnant?  No, but much more unlikely.  If we do press forward, we are doing so with guns blazing. 

To devastated.  I may never, ever carry another baby in my belly.  Or feel the soft, smooth skin of my newborn baby.  Or feel that baby latch on and give him/her the food my body has created for him/her.  So many women complain about the difficulties of pregnancy and I just want to scream at them, "Do you not understand you are growing a life?!  A LIFE!? Why in the world did you think that would be an easy job?"  I am not going to say I loved every second of being pregnant (um, hello, bed rest?!), but I knew it was for the greater good of my child, and worth it in the end.  I would grow two tails, a butt bigger than J. Lo's, and five extra arms if it meant my child would be healthy and happy. 

To blessed beyond words.  How did I get so lucky to meet Wade at the tender age of 23?  And how did I get so lucky that he was on board to starting a family right away?  What if he would have wanted to wait until we were "financially stable" and he started his practice?   And it so could have gone that way.  I know so many couples who wait for the "perfect" moment to start their family, and if that had been us, we might have missed our chance.  We are extremely blessed to have three (yes, I count Maggie in this) beautiful, healthy, kind, smart, and sassy little girls who light up our lives.

To pissed off.  Why, WHY, did we wait so long to see a fertility doctor this time around?  What if I was perfectly healthy 12 months ago when we first started trying? It could have been just like with Charlotte.  Low levels, a couple of shots, and badda bing, badda boomb, baby #3.  Sure, there were plenty of good reasons, but see above....why did we wait for the "perfect" moment to seek help?!

To giving into God's plan.  Maybe there is a reason. Maybe God just knows my body and its limitations. 

Right now I am emotionally drained, yet still hopeful.  I feel lucky to have a "reason" why #3 might not come to be.  I have a few friends who have been trying, with no luck, and the doctors can't find anything wrong.  I cannot imagine their frustration.  I am at peace (well, getting there...I still cry when I talk about it) with the fact that another baby just might not happen. 

I am still cursing my body.  A body that failed me twice when it when into pre-term labor and now failing me again by going into early ovarian failure. 

I guess even my body doesn't have patience. 

Go figure. 

Tomorrow we are going in to talk to the doctor and to start our first round of fertility.  Maybe, just maybe, with "guns blazing" our #3 will find his/her way into our lives?

I am praying harder than I ever have for that miracle.