Searching for the words

I am struggling to find the words to describe my emotions.  I go from feeling totally at peace with the situation to wanting to ball my eyes out. 

So, I guess I will just start at the beginning and work my way to now. 

Last night I could hardly sleep with the anticipation of testing in the morning.  I toyed with the idea of staying up until midnight, just so I could test then.  Hey, that is Thursday morning!  But I didn't, I laid down at 11:15 with thoughts of popping up bright and early to take the test. 

Around 3:00 am, Charlotte made her way to our bed followed shortly by her little sister.  Since this is how they usually work at 6:00 am, I assumed it was time to start our day.  When Wade told me we still had a few more hours of sleep, I was surprised at my unwillingness to want to jump out of bed and take a pregnancy test. 

Fear of a negative outcome paralyzed me. 

After snuggling a bit with the girls, we brought them back into their rooms and of course I had to go to the bathroom.  So, I took a test.  And that damn little window read "Not Pregnant." 

I was too tired to really think about it, and went to bed with a heavy heart.  When we finally all woke at a more reasonable hour, I had to take another test....just in case. 

Still negative. 

Still too tired to really process the news.  That it didn't work.  Again.

I have to say that I don't feel as much of a defiant child as I did a few weeks ago, and that has really helped comfort me.  Almost as if God is cutting me some slack.  Instead I feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, Femera is a drug that will never "work" with my body and the allergy to it is a way for us to move past that drug onto something that will work. 

I will not lie, I did think there was a chance I was pregnant.  I had a few signs, but then again, I also have more hormones being added to my body on a daily basis...so it was probably caused by that.  The "Not Pregnant" sign was not what I was expecting to see. 

I know we will be perfectly fine if another child does not join our family.  I know our life is perfect just the way it is, just the five of us.  I know, I know, I know. 

It still doesn't silence my desire for more children.  To feel another baby move in my belly.  To hold a tiny newborn and provide them with the nourishment God's humbling design provides. 

My heart ached at every baby I passed today - and of course, there seemed to be a million of them out today at Target. 

But, tomorrow is another day.  Round 3 will start early next week, with a new game plan, and new hope. 

And you know, three has always been my lucky number.