Highs and lows

Yesterday morning was such a wonderful experience.  It felt so good to have FINALLY made it further than I have before with a pregnancy.  To know that I was this close to making it to 35 weeks and beyond.  It was an amazing feeling.

Then Dr. T called.  At first I thought, "He is so sweet to be checking up on me! What a great doctor."  But I had forgotten about my blood work. 

"Well," he said, "I have some bad news.  Your CMV test came back positive."

"Shit," was all I could think to say.  My mind was flooded with thoughts while he just kept on talking.  It was almost too much to process. 

Our knee-jerk reaction was to deliever you now to take you away from the greatest risk of catching CMV, but after talking to many specialists (Dr. B's partner Dr. P (Dr. B is off on Monday), a neonatolgist your daddy went to school with, an infectious disease doctor that Pozzy knows, and our peditrician), it was decided that the best place for you was in my womb.  While yes we don't want you to be infected in utero, we also don't want you to be a preemie trying to fight this off.  The stronger you are, the better off you are. 

There is also a chance that I could infect you from my breast milk and that just kills me.  I love nursing.  It is one of the most amazing thing the human body does - besides growing life, of course.  The feeling of you getting food from me and watching what I produce make you flurish is humbling.  Yet, this time, it could do more harm than good. 

It is so hard for me to accept that. 

I am suprisingly not as worried as you would think.  I do trust in God's plan.  He has had His hand on this pregnancy from the beginning - from the lessons I have learned to the little messages He has shown me along the way.  It is just hard to accept that His plan might involve struggles for you.  Which makes me feel silly becuase who in life doesn't have struggles?  It is a part of life and while everyone's struggles are different, we ALL have them.  So one of your struggles might be hearing loss.  Not what I would have ever wanted for you, but we will get through this. 

My little one, just know that I love you with all my heart.  I am so sad that my body could now be doing more harm than good to you, but I am still so thankful that you are in there.  We are so blessed to have you join our family and our family would not be complete without you in it. 

I pray you stay "cooking" to term and are free from this virius. I pray you are strong and healthy and happy.  No matter what happens, I can promise you, you are so loved by so many.  There are so many people praying for you.  You are one speical little one.

Much love,

Mama