Thoughts

Tonight as I cooked dinner, Frances wanted to be right at my side.  No matter that she had no interest in helping me cook, no, she just wanted to be close to me.  And, as a mother, how can you really argue with that - except for the fact that we were right by the stove and she was paying more attention to her princess book than the hot stove just to the left of her.

"Frances," I warned numerous times, "pay attention sweet girl, the stove is hot and it can burn you."

A couple of times I even moved her chair further away from me and the stove trying to keep her from harms way.  That wouldn't do for my hard-headed little one and I was greeted with at quick, "NO, MAMA!" and she would move her chair right back next to the stove. 

I had to walk away from the stove for a second to get some spices from the pantry. On my way back, I watched her deliberately move her hand closer and closer to the pot.  When she finally touched it, she pulled it back, shaking her hand, "OUCH! Dat's hot!" 

"Well, I told you so," I couldn't help but say. 

And then I felt a heavy weight on my heart. 

Is that what He is feeling?  Is He just being a good Father trying to keep me from harms way?  Let's face it, my body doesn't have the best track record for birthing babies.  What if He is just trying to save me from something more painful than not having another child in our lives?

Now, I am not the most religious of people, but I do believe.  I believe in a God that is forgiving and one who answers prayers.  Maybe not always the answers we want at the time, but in hindsight, prove to be the biggest of blessings. 

I am really struggling with wants vs. needs.  My heart's desire is to have another child, but at what cost?  Do mothers with "normal" pregnancies struggle (emotionally) this much with adding on to their families?

Some moments I feel like we are on the right path using all the bells and whistles that modern medicine provide and others I feel like I am a child having an adult size tantrum trying to get her way.  When do I stop and accept that His answer just might be "No, and a million times no."?

Words I have uttered once or twice to my own hard-headed little ones.

If there is any good to have come of these struggles (and yes, I must always look for the good in any situation), it is that I feel I have become a better mom over the past few days.  When my girls start to throw tantrums, I am now a bit more empathic than just telling them flat out "No!"

I know how painful it feels when you think you deserve what you are asking for. 

So yes, my girls and I have forged a stronger bond over the past few days and for that, I will be forever grateful. 

This afternoon Charlotte looked at me and said, "Mama, you make my heart so much happy." 

Oh, those sweet words made these past few weeks of struggles all worth it.