Round and round

Yesterday when we got home from taking the girls to Global Wildlife, the week finally caught up with me. I was done. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

It didn't help that I was starting to feel a sore throat and runny nose coming on. This had my brain going into overdrive. Is this the start of CMV? Am I exhausted from the emotional toll the week had had on me or because CMV was starting to take hold of my body?

Round and round my thoughts went. Have faith. What if I am not sting enough.  Trust in the Lord.  I'm not sure I can do this. 

 

It is a funny thing to knowingly be standing at a crossroad in your life.  Most of our lives are spent viewing our crossroads after they have passed. 

 

If I had done this, this or this I wouldn't be in this situation, or I am so thankful I made that decision to reap these rewards.

 

But here we are standing at the fork in our road.  If I get CMV or if I don't.  Our lives will forever be changed by this moment, and all we can do is wait and see. 

 

As I type this post, our sweet baby is moving and making himself known.  It is so hard to not have a heavy heart when I feel him move.  I feel so helpless unable to protect him from something so small it isn't even visible by the naked eye.  I hate knowing that it is because he is in my belly this virus can cause him great harm.  If only this had happened a few months before I got pregnant or after he was born, but in the same breath I am so thankful I am past 20 weeks.  In theory, the greatest risk to him is over.  In theory. 

 

Oh my brain, how I wish I could shut you off for the next few weeks.  To go back to only worrying about if I will go into preterm labor or not.  But that is not what the Lord has is store for us.  I am trying to be strong, to not worry, to not let this consume my every thought.  It is hard. 

 

But I am trying.  Is it possible for a mama not to worry about her babies?